i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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