i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Randomize