I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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