Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
