i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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