I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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