I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
