I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize