What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
