Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
