True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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