I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
