i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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