3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
