turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize