Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
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