at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
