Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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