If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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