I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I stole a fireplace last night.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
