every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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