Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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