Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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