U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
