he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize