There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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