it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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