One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
