Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
