last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
