So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
