Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
