i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
