She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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