i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
