My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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