we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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