Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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