She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
