I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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