I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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