I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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