yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
