Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
