Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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