He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
