am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
