i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
