uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
