I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize