ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
