I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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