I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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