I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
