Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
