the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
