So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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