EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
