I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
