Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
