i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize