i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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